Turn Over A New Leaf?

Sometimes I wonder is it possible for someone to turn over a new leaf? I know it's possible, just that sometimes I don't see the point of it. People always judge the others from their first impression. If you were once a bitch in school and suddenly one day you want to be a more down to earth person, I can bet that the people out there will definitely still have the mindset that you are still a bitch. Once a thief, always a thief; once a bitch/bastard, always a bitch/bastard. I really hate people with this kinda thoughts when one person have the heart to change.

I have encounter this before where a few of my friends were quite bitchy BEFORE, but after mixing with them, knowing them deeply, you can slowly see how they progress to be a better person, still people will have this perception about them being bitchy. Old stains doesnt remove that easily I suppose. To cut it short, what I really wanna say here is let people have a chance to change, to show you that they really change, to turn over a new leaf. Just don't jump into the conclusion by saying " aiya... now she said wanna change, you see a few weeks more la.. back to square one.". Perhaps there's really are people like that but not everyone is like that. Put urself in their shoes, if one day u decided to be nice and good to someone and people out there say that you are just acting or you will be back to square one, what will you feel?

This month I have realised a lot about myself, from the past mistakes I did since I was young. I know who on earth doesnt make mistakes right? Now let's all of us close your eyes and ask your heart, seek deep in your heart what mistakes you did that you can't forgive yourself? Frankly speaking, I started to have stupid thoughts of commiting suicide since I was young. Yea, I know that's stupid... there were times that I thought what's the best way to die, what were my last thought before I die, what my friends and family will feel if I commit suicide? Alex always scold me for thinking nonsense. I guess that thinking of all these " killing yourself methods" just make you feel worse, thus lead you to either cut ur veins or jump from the building.

I said once to myself, since I can't suicide, I think it's better for me to forget all my memories and start a new life again. Haha.. another stupid thought I know. How I wish I could just erase every bad memories I have, every sin I made, every mistakes I did which is not possible unless you take a baseball bat and wack your head hard til you lose your memories la. Hahaaa.. So I came to a conclusion which is, no matter what I did in my past, all I can do is knowing where I go wrong and then make sure you correct it and then try to forget about it. It does make you a better person, a past shall remain as past. What is in front of us is the future, take it and learn it and there you go, a better person :) It is possible to turn over a new leaf, but whether you can do it, it all depends on your determination. Let's hope I can change, be a better, more down to earth person. :) Always change for the best right?

Here are the things that I need to change:
1) Stop being so lazy and focus more on my studies.
2) Try to care things that are going around the world
3) Stop telling more lies and lies and lies.
4) Learn not to worry for every single problems
5) Learn to believe in myself
6) Believe that people change for the better
7) Try to encounter my own weaknesses.

This post gets a little too tense up in the beginning, now let me loosen up a little. Since I'm talking about myself in this post, I shall do a internal and external analysis that I learned in Business Strategic Management about myself.

Strengths:
- Arts. ( drawing, artcraft, designing )
( that's all I suppose, hahahaa.. since thats the only thing that Alex told me. )
- Creative
- Friendly? hmmm
- Good in acting ( LOL, Lydia said this! )

Weaknesses:
- low self esteem, self confidence
- fear of public speaking but not presentation ( tats weird )
- worries alot alot
- easily get influence
- can't make own decision
- lies alot
- unknowledgable
- untidy
(oh gosh.. I better stop here.. it takes me a whole list to list down my weaknesses )

Opportunity:
- great friends
- great family
- perfect bf

Threats:
- smart-ass people
- limited freedom from family leads me to be more rebelious.

LOL, now let's see how long it takes me to be a better daughther, sister, friend and girlfriend. ") winks*

p/s: don't worry, commiting suicide is totally out of my thoughts okay? lol, I'm afraid I might scare some of my friends with this post. This is just a self awareness post, nothing more than that :)